最爱自己的人~

圣诞节应该是一个很温暖的季节~
而我也不例外对这个季节有所期待，
可是偏偏在这个季节让我认清很多事情~
原本把家人放在第一位的我，
现在知道不管你怎么努力的尽孝，
可是永远是打不破重男轻女的传统概念。
妈妈，你就继续的抱着你的宝贝儿子过你晚年吧~
我一定会让我自己离开这家~

原本以为自己最爱的那个人也会是最爱自己的人，
可是偏偏我知道我在你心目是什么位子。
朋友，永远都会是你的第一位，
这个我应该早就知道了，
只是我爱你，不想离开你~

其实到最后，我都不会成为我最重要的人心目中的重要的那个人。
到最后，最爱自己的人~是我自己！
哈哈~很讽刺吧~

该不该再期待

我觉得不是该不该的问题，
而是敢不敢。
我敢不敢再对你有所期待呢？
期待你会改掉你的坏习惯。
这么久以来，
你说你会改掉你不够睡会脾气不好的习惯，
我期待，
可是到现在你还是改不掉。
你也说你不会再放我飞机，
我期待，
可是到现在你还是一样。
我渐渐的觉得累了，
我累得是你总说你只是累而已，
那你有想过我也会累吗？
就算我再累我也会叫你起床。
就算我累，
想睡也不敢睡怕自己睡过头叫不醒你。
我累得是，
等待的过程。
我不是等半个小时或一个小时，
而是等了好几个小时甚至从早上等到旁晚，
你懂等待的过程有多累，多辛苦吗？
就好像你期待着什么，可是到最后你却得不到。
在等待的过程，虽然很期待，
可是有时候我也会想在半途中放弃。
很多时候我很想生气，
很想大骂你，
可是我往往都在把那些话往肚子里吞，
往往都选择原谅你，
那是因为我不想失去你，不想让自己有遗憾。
想试着不理你，
要自己忽略电话看你会不会找我。
最后，我还是让自己失望了。
你想我道歉，
我也只能说没关系。
你承诺我说你会改变，
我没有正面的回答你，
那是因为~
我不敢期待些什么了。
我怕再一次的失望，
再一次的让自己伤心。

我需要发泄

最近不知道怎么一直和你有口角，
可能是因为我们各自都有不一样的想法吧~
每当和你争执的时候我都告诉我自己不可以那样，
要忍耐，不要生气~
我的脾气已经变很多了，
是因为我不想和你吵架~
因为想你和睦相处，
我选择保持沉默，忍耐~
可是有的时候真的很难忍耐，
每当我忍无可忍想爆发出来的时候，
我都会努力的把它压抑着~
有时不是我不说话，
而是我在控制不吵架，在控制发你的脾气~
你说你还有很多事情还没做完，很烦~
难道我不是吗？我和你是同班的，
你有什么做，我也有啊~
说真的，忍耐久了，压抑久了，
真的觉得很累~
我不想和你吵架，这不是我要的~
所以我选择忍耐，选择沉默~
可是我很希望你也体谅我，为我想一下好吗？
我不是那种不会累的女生，
而是我不会在你面前表现出我累了，
我伤心了~
每次你感觉我伤心叫我哭出来，
我都忍耐着是因为我不想你看到我伤心的样子~
我想说，
就算累了，我也会展现我的笑容，我的幼稚就只为了换来你的一个微笑和开心的你~
就算再累，也值得~

These things I am willing do for you, just because I am your woman

Recently I found a song quite nice and meaning full~
That song was "kenji- yin Wei ni shi nv ren"
Although I feel sad, feel hurt~
I won't let you know, just because I don't wan you to worry and be sad~
What I want is~ want you to be happy!!
No matter how hard, I will wait you come back from work~
No matter how tired am I, I will wake you up early in the morning~
Some times I just cnt control my temper, when I know I going to get angry,
I will just keep myself alone~ not that I don't wan talk to u~I just scare that I will hurt u~
When u get angry when u are tired, I am trying to make you happy~
I keep it all inside just because I am your woman~
I willing to do those things baby~
I love you so much~

我很想念你

这个sem break应该是我最难熬的一个假期了，
没得见你，少了很多和你相处的机会~
最开心是可以看到你的时候，
也很开心可以和你一起看戏~
平时没得见你最开心就是你放工回家和我聊天的时候~
你工作的时候我都会傻傻的家等你回来，
每一天都在倒数着你距离放工的时间还有多久。
每次到了你放工的时间我都会很开心~
因为我知道很快就可以和你聊天了~
 昨晚我不是故意要哭的~
不知道怎么了，当我听到你说carson回去你家住的时候，
心就很不舒服，就觉得很辛苦很想哭~
可是又不想让你知道我在哭~
可是很没有的我，还是控制不住哭出声音了~
对不起~我真的不是故意的~
我真的很想念你~
从我起床开始我就没有笑容，没有心情的过了一天~
很没有的是~我在打着这个部落各得时候既然哭了~
对不起~
我真的真的很想念你！

19岁的生日

19岁的生日，也是我第一年跟你一起度过的生日，
可是并没有我想要的那样，
老实说，
不管别人怎么祝贺我，生日快乐，
其实我真的一点也不快乐。
 我最快乐的时候应该是在你家陪你睡觉的时候，
因为只有在那个时候只有我们两个人。
其实我要的是只有我们两个人的生日，
不用你带我去哪里怎么庆祝，
只要安安静静的陪在你身边我也觉得很开心。
你原本答应我说会陪我度过12点~
可是到最后你却没有做到，
当你问carson要不要去，可以去你家过夜，
我就知道你不会陪我度过了~
可是我没有埋怨或是怪你，
因为我答应过你我不会管你管的那么紧。
所以我告诉我自己不可以那么任性，要变成熟一点~
不然你会很辛苦~
最近的你也因为那个赚钱的计划而有点忽略了我，
我们单独相处的时间也变少了~
以前星期天你打球后会带我去吃晚餐才回家，
可是最近打球后都带我去和你的朋友喝茶，
可是我完全参不进你们的话题，
可是只要能够陪在你身边我都没问题。
你说你很内疚，要我对你有点要求，
不是我不要~
而是我已经一直在说服我自己你没空是因为你有事情做，
我不能那么任性~
我一定要乖，不然你会很辛苦~
这就是我在说服我自己的理由~
虽然很辛苦，可是只要你开心，
我可以隐藏起我的不开心，只表露我开心的一面让你开心~
说真的，
我真的没关系。我知道你最近都累了~
对不起~

my early birthday wish.....

this year birthday wishes....
quite special for me,
i wish that u can accompany me before the day i birthday till the day my birthday.....
haha..
i wish that u can come my house accompany me...^^
i know this wish quite over,
but its really is my wish for my birthday....
haha....XD....
but i wont force u to do it...
it just a wish...XP

i need a place to voice out

recently i decide to force myself to do something which is good for him,
i realize that i control him until too tight ad,
i'm so sorry for that...
when i ask u this question,
the answer that u give me i really feel a bit sad....and olso sorry to you.....
although what i decided is not what i want to do,
but it is good for u,
can let u feel relax and not so stress,
i will force myself to do it although i dont want....
i know dis time is a most suffer period for me,
but i wont care about it...
for me,
not important,
what is important for me is...
i want you to be happy...
today whn u r not accompanying me go take car as u already promised me...
at the beginning i really feel angry and sad,
but i olso try to understand you,
inside my heart really feel struggle,
 after struggle,
i will give myself a reason that will make me feel chill down....
HIEW KAI YAN....
you must be a girl friend that will understand him,
not just bringing trouble for him....
you have no choice.... you have do it......
fighthing....

busy

recently what am i busy is those assignment.....
i had been almost a week not enough sleep....
recently what u busy is a same things with me,
but...u have another thing busy with olso.....
just feel that because of those things u did not have enough time to accompany me,
some times i will feel lonely...im sorry that i will feel that way....
i dont wish that i make u so tired thats why i din let u know....
baby....

dont wish the same things happen again.....

after i sick, i felt myself more depends on you....
i will wish that always be with you, do not want to go far frm u....
some times i really hate myself started to became like this,
this not just make myself feel suffer, the main point is....
it will make you feel irritating in the future....
it make me had a lot of bad memories flash back in sudden,
it all about my ex....
i told u before why we will break up...
at the first time break up, is because i too depends on her,
i like to control her....
just like did not give a free space to her...
thats why she felt no freedom....
and olso my bad temper.....
i will get angry easily just like recently...
the more i angry with you, that show i more care about you....
all this scene make me think back the things that i had experience,
those memories and experience already became my phobia...
i scare u will dont want because of the same reason as her,
it make me felt more angry myself...
i'm so sorry that i control you until so tight recently...
i just cannot control myself.....
i will learn to control myself,
the more i talk to you in a cool way, the more i felt suffer
because i started to talk to myself inside my heart...
i will told myself that give you some freedom,
dont so care about it...
although it not what i wan to do,
but i will force myself to do it...
i wan you be happy to couple with me,
i dont wan you feel suffer or irritate with it....
if you feel to tight, make you can not breath, i wish that u will tell me...
i dont wan the same things happen again...
I DONT WANT!!!
i cannot manage to lost you,
its already enough for me,
seriously, u more important to me compare to her...
i did not felt this way before....
Baby, can you promise me, dont let the same things happen again??
I LOVE YOU.....

bad memories had flash back suddenly

recently, my body already give some signal to me that i should start to take care myself
hyperventilation come back to find me since after f3, it already rest for so long,
but now it coming back...
i had suffer for this since last tuesday and almost fainted at school,
i know that time already make him so damn worry about me....
i was fainted d next day,
i had been send to hospital by an ambulance,
this is the first time i sat ambulance to go hospital,
and that time really make him more worry about me...
now every time i close my eyes for resting or really not feeling well,
he wont let me close my eyes
he will make sure me is not fainted....
i know this few days already make you so damn tired just because of me...
i'm so sorry baby....
because of this,
i more depends on you,
when you not accept my call or reply my message,
i will start to think a lot...
will start thinking what happen to you,
although i know you are sleeping,
i will keep calling you to make sure that you had bath already, ate you dinner already....
not because i wan make sure that you done all the things,
is because i want you to accompany me,
when i heard you sound or be with you,
i only will feel safety....
seriously,
i scare that you will feel troublesome because i always want to stick with you...
i scare i will lost you...
so when you not with me,
i will so sad...
i dont know what happen to me,
i was like....already poisoning....
already get the poison that you giving....
the more i angry with you, the more that i show i very care about you baby....
i just cnt control myself....T.T

feel so not happy with this

recently i dont feel like wanna go back home,
or i dont even want to stay at home,
just wanna be with some one or go some where else rather thn stay at home...
it is because my mum finish her work and come back ad...
not because i dont wan she at home,
just dont know what happen to her,
so 无理取闹,
act she is not the first time like that,
but i start to cnt tahan she like that,
mybe is because i become not so tough compare to previous,
when i told him about what my mum had said to me,
and my feeling after i heard those things,
he told me that "she is ur only mother, have to 忍 her...."
when i heard that,
i really cnt control my tears for rolling down on my face,
i feel so stress, so sad, and so TIRED~
i not din 忍 before seriously,
just time by time,
i feel so tired to do all this thing,
i just hope that i can have a happy family although i had lost my father since i was young,
because i still have my mum and my brother...
but i dont know why they will felt what i did was i should do it for them for no reason...
no matter what i do,
will be the wrong for them,
i will get scold by them although i did the correct way....
in her heart just feel im a naughty girl,
always had a lot events in the college,
and not really studying in the college...
but she dont know the real reason why i had so many event in the college??
i olso dont wan make myself so tired, so stress...
but i wan myself to gain more experience and i wan to gain more money,
i dont wan myself to become ur 负担，
every time u ask me whether i enough pocket money or not,
although i not enough i olso wont let u,
i will go get myself....
this why make me dont feel like going back home,
i feel so stress and tired at home......
you told me that become our mother very tired,
on that time,
i really wan to shout out loud,
I ALSO VERY TIRED!!!
i dont feel like wanna go back home,
i just feel wan to be with you.....
if can,
i really want to be with you ALL THE TIME....><
i not dont love my mum,
i love her,
but she make me feel so tired,
NOW!
you are the only one who care about me,
and the one i wan to be with....
i think you know who you are.....

the day i miss you so much

recently i'm worry about something,
which is i realize i vry depend on you,
i cnt control to find u every where when u are not with me,
i cnt control myself to be with you no matter when...

but i try my best to control myself.....

i know i have to force myself to do it even i dont wan to....
because i dont hope that i will become a trouble maker to you...
i dont wish that i bring a lot trouble to you...
i dont wan you feel no freedom.........
i know when i should be with you,
when i should do my stuff without you.....
i din feel like this way before,
i ad use to every night we talk in skype,
when you din talk with me,

i feel so bored, feel so lonely...

i trying to find other stuff to do to make myself busy,
then my mind will stop thinking bout you...
but zhi wei they all wil keep mention you while i chat with them,

this make me miss you more...><

i though i found a way can make myself miss u lesser,
which is i listen those song that you like,
then it will remind me back you sing in the funny way....
but when i sleep,
i listen to song after i wake up,

i miss you more!

when i miss you more, i feel more scare..
i scare you will feel bored to me,
i scare if some day something happen,
i will vry hard to walk out....
i cnt imagine that if someday you go some place that i cnt find u...
i cnt see u...
what am i on that time......
i hope that u wont leave me alone in the future.....
today something happen with me and my family...
on that time,i just remain silent and my mind was thinking about you...><
i dont know what happen to me...

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!><

personal developement skill.....XP

today is the first class of PDS 2...
luckily our lecturer change ad, not dr.ding anymore....
today what i study was characteristic VS perculiar,
what i understand was perculiar is the habit u have that is not good to other people...
mean like u r forcing the person to accept ur habit.....
 i admit that i have a lot perculiar inside me,
such as...i vry punctual.....punctual act is a good habit,
but i not only punctual, i will come early 10 min.....
and this make my friend feel so stress about it.....
im so sorry for that, i will try to change myself....
another thing is......i got mysophobia....><
i hate people make me dirty,
i will use a lot tissue especially when i eat.....
if some1 make me dirty, i will go crazy....><
i trying to not so care bout it, but it really hard for me....
and i vry choosy for my pen,
i got my particular pen brand...
if i use other brand i will feel not so comfortable and i will feel my hand writing vry ugly,
at the end i will not statisfied with my work.....
but this habit im trying to change it....XP...
HIEW KAI YAN!dont be so choosy!!!haha....
this wad i learn today..haha....
i should change myself ad...XP

new experience after be with you~

this is the new experience that i face,
first time feel so nervous after u told me that mybe wan have dinner with you family.
it is because i scare i will give a bad impression to your parents,
that's why i feel nervous.
before that i plan to make a cake for you,
but i did not expect today is your daddy birthday,
when you told me,
i was like "WOW~~~~so ngam geh??"
if the cake is for you,
i wont feel so nervous and shame with my product,
just is because for your daddy,
i have no idea what to write, what to draw.
my brain was blank that time~
haha......
its a quite good experience for me,
i feel so happy that i can make a cake to your daddy,
although it is so ugly and just like a children drawing scale,
but that is came out all my heart to draw it~
hope that you and you family will like it~^^
i promise you that will make a cake that is just for YOU~~~^^

LAST!!!UNCLE!!!HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!ALWAYS 18!!!^^

p.s//i know the cake is quite small, because i din expect those thing happen~haha...and i forgt d size is so small although i did it one time~XP

My life have change because of U!

my life become more colorful and a lot of happy memories now,
it is because you in my world now....^^
i very proud to have you in my life,
i will appreciate you no matter what...
hope we can make a lot happy memories in the future....^^

i lost my way

i slowly lost my way,
i duno wad should i do.