19岁的生日

19岁的生日，也是我第一年跟你一起度过的生日，
可是并没有我想要的那样，
老实说，
不管别人怎么祝贺我，生日快乐，
其实我真的一点也不快乐。
 我最快乐的时候应该是在你家陪你睡觉的时候，
因为只有在那个时候只有我们两个人。
其实我要的是只有我们两个人的生日，
不用你带我去哪里怎么庆祝，
只要安安静静的陪在你身边我也觉得很开心。
你原本答应我说会陪我度过12点~
可是到最后你却没有做到，
当你问carson要不要去，可以去你家过夜，
我就知道你不会陪我度过了~
可是我没有埋怨或是怪你，
因为我答应过你我不会管你管的那么紧。
所以我告诉我自己不可以那么任性，要变成熟一点~
不然你会很辛苦~
最近的你也因为那个赚钱的计划而有点忽略了我，
我们单独相处的时间也变少了~
以前星期天你打球后会带我去吃晚餐才回家，
可是最近打球后都带我去和你的朋友喝茶，
可是我完全参不进你们的话题，
可是只要能够陪在你身边我都没问题。
你说你很内疚，要我对你有点要求，
不是我不要~
而是我已经一直在说服我自己你没空是因为你有事情做，
我不能那么任性~
我一定要乖，不然你会很辛苦~
这就是我在说服我自己的理由~
虽然很辛苦，可是只要你开心，
我可以隐藏起我的不开心，只表露我开心的一面让你开心~
说真的，
我真的没关系。我知道你最近都累了~
对不起~

my early birthday wish.....

this year birthday wishes....
quite special for me,
i wish that u can accompany me before the day i birthday till the day my birthday.....
haha..
i wish that u can come my house accompany me...^^
i know this wish quite over,
but its really is my wish for my birthday....
haha....XD....
but i wont force u to do it...
it just a wish...XP

i need a place to voice out

recently i decide to force myself to do something which is good for him,
i realize that i control him until too tight ad,
i'm so sorry for that...
when i ask u this question,
the answer that u give me i really feel a bit sad....and olso sorry to you.....
although what i decided is not what i want to do,
but it is good for u,
can let u feel relax and not so stress,
i will force myself to do it although i dont want....
i know dis time is a most suffer period for me,
but i wont care about it...
for me,
not important,
what is important for me is...
i want you to be happy...
today whn u r not accompanying me go take car as u already promised me...
at the beginning i really feel angry and sad,
but i olso try to understand you,
inside my heart really feel struggle,
 after struggle,
i will give myself a reason that will make me feel chill down....
HIEW KAI YAN....
you must be a girl friend that will understand him,
not just bringing trouble for him....
you have no choice.... you have do it......
fighthing....

busy

recently what am i busy is those assignment.....
i had been almost a week not enough sleep....
recently what u busy is a same things with me,
but...u have another thing busy with olso.....
just feel that because of those things u did not have enough time to accompany me,
some times i will feel lonely...im sorry that i will feel that way....
i dont wish that i make u so tired thats why i din let u know....
baby....

dont wish the same things happen again.....

after i sick, i felt myself more depends on you....
i will wish that always be with you, do not want to go far frm u....
some times i really hate myself started to became like this,
this not just make myself feel suffer, the main point is....
it will make you feel irritating in the future....
it make me had a lot of bad memories flash back in sudden,
it all about my ex....
i told u before why we will break up...
at the first time break up, is because i too depends on her,
i like to control her....
just like did not give a free space to her...
thats why she felt no freedom....
and olso my bad temper.....
i will get angry easily just like recently...
the more i angry with you, that show i more care about you....
all this scene make me think back the things that i had experience,
those memories and experience already became my phobia...
i scare u will dont want because of the same reason as her,
it make me felt more angry myself...
i'm so sorry that i control you until so tight recently...
i just cannot control myself.....
i will learn to control myself,
the more i talk to you in a cool way, the more i felt suffer
because i started to talk to myself inside my heart...
i will told myself that give you some freedom,
dont so care about it...
although it not what i wan to do,
but i will force myself to do it...
i wan you be happy to couple with me,
i dont wan you feel suffer or irritate with it....
if you feel to tight, make you can not breath, i wish that u will tell me...
i dont wan the same things happen again...
I DONT WANT!!!
i cannot manage to lost you,
its already enough for me,
seriously, u more important to me compare to her...
i did not felt this way before....
Baby, can you promise me, dont let the same things happen again??
I LOVE YOU.....

bad memories had flash back suddenly

recently, my body already give some signal to me that i should start to take care myself
hyperventilation come back to find me since after f3, it already rest for so long,
but now it coming back...
i had suffer for this since last tuesday and almost fainted at school,
i know that time already make him so damn worry about me....
i was fainted d next day,
i had been send to hospital by an ambulance,
this is the first time i sat ambulance to go hospital,
and that time really make him more worry about me...
now every time i close my eyes for resting or really not feeling well,
he wont let me close my eyes
he will make sure me is not fainted....
i know this few days already make you so damn tired just because of me...
i'm so sorry baby....
because of this,
i more depends on you,
when you not accept my call or reply my message,
i will start to think a lot...
will start thinking what happen to you,
although i know you are sleeping,
i will keep calling you to make sure that you had bath already, ate you dinner already....
not because i wan make sure that you done all the things,
is because i want you to accompany me,
when i heard you sound or be with you,
i only will feel safety....
seriously,
i scare that you will feel troublesome because i always want to stick with you...
i scare i will lost you...
so when you not with me,
i will so sad...
i dont know what happen to me,
i was like....already poisoning....
already get the poison that you giving....
the more i angry with you, the more that i show i very care about you baby....
i just cnt control myself....T.T

feel so not happy with this

recently i dont feel like wanna go back home,
or i dont even want to stay at home,
just wanna be with some one or go some where else rather thn stay at home...
it is because my mum finish her work and come back ad...
not because i dont wan she at home,
just dont know what happen to her,
so 无理取闹,
act she is not the first time like that,
but i start to cnt tahan she like that,
mybe is because i become not so tough compare to previous,
when i told him about what my mum had said to me,
and my feeling after i heard those things,
he told me that "she is ur only mother, have to 忍 her...."
when i heard that,
i really cnt control my tears for rolling down on my face,
i feel so stress, so sad, and so TIRED~
i not din 忍 before seriously,
just time by time,
i feel so tired to do all this thing,
i just hope that i can have a happy family although i had lost my father since i was young,
because i still have my mum and my brother...
but i dont know why they will felt what i did was i should do it for them for no reason...
no matter what i do,
will be the wrong for them,
i will get scold by them although i did the correct way....
in her heart just feel im a naughty girl,
always had a lot events in the college,
and not really studying in the college...
but she dont know the real reason why i had so many event in the college??
i olso dont wan make myself so tired, so stress...
but i wan myself to gain more experience and i wan to gain more money,
i dont wan myself to become ur 负担，
every time u ask me whether i enough pocket money or not,
although i not enough i olso wont let u,
i will go get myself....
this why make me dont feel like going back home,
i feel so stress and tired at home......
you told me that become our mother very tired,
on that time,
i really wan to shout out loud,
I ALSO VERY TIRED!!!
i dont feel like wanna go back home,
i just feel wan to be with you.....
if can,
i really want to be with you ALL THE TIME....><
i not dont love my mum,
i love her,
but she make me feel so tired,
NOW!
you are the only one who care about me,
and the one i wan to be with....
i think you know who you are.....